In The Mind Of Depression

I walked in the next room and sat on the floor to cry.  I just wanted to be alone.  I held on to my legs telling myself: You’re so stupid.  Why are you so ungrateful?  Something is seriously wrong with you.

Suddenly I was laying on the floor, crying uncontrollably, and thinking about the failure that I was…thinking about all the things I hated about myself.  I just laid there, feeling sorry for myself.

The negative words replayed in my head: You’re worthless. What is wrong with you? You’re stupid. You’re a terrible wife.  You can’t handle this.  You can’t do this.  You’re fat.  You’re ugly.  You’re alone.

There were so many people I could call or text, but I couldn’t bring myself to reach out to anyone.  My phone was right there, but I couldn’t move.  I felt paralyzed as I laid on the floor and cried; that’s all I could do.  My husband was even in the next room, but I couldn’t get up.  I couldn’t find myself to ask for help.  All I could do was lay there, feeling worthless and hopeless.

I replayed the words in my head again: no one’s here; no one is with you; you’re alone.  I pleaded to God asking for someone to comfort me.  Please God, wake my husband up so he can hug me and tell me everything will be ok.  My husband was right next door but he had no idea I was battling these thoughts at that moment.  He had no idea because I did walk away to be alone.

However, in that moment, when those words starting playing in my head, I realized it’s not safe to be alone anymore.  Because when I’m alone, my thoughts take over.  You’re worthless.  Something is wrong with you.  You’re stupid.  You’re a terrible person.  You’re ungrateful.  You can’t handle this.  You don’t deserve to be happy.  Just lay there.  

A moment of panic hits.  I can’t stop crying.  I can’t stop thinking these thoughts.  I can’t get up.  I don’t want to get up.  I’m crippled with pain.  Please, someone help me.  No one.  No one was here but me, and my thoughts.  Even if someone came, would it even matter?  I feel numb.  Nothing matters.  I try praying but it doesn’t help; the prayer just becomes words.  Nothing helps.

It’s just me alone, in my mind of depression.

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